My divorce story

I got married at the inexperienced age of 25 and divorced at 32, and on the single scene once again. I thought – I gotta get better at this whole dating thing because my last go around didn’t go so well for me!

Kidding aside, I have not one regret about my marriage; however, I do know that I didn’t have healthy dating boundaries back when I was single the first time and I also deliberately chose to ignore red flags due to the fact that I was working on an agenda, that may or may not have been socially or biologically influenced. 

So when I embarked on the dating scene after my divorce I knew I wanted to do it right this time. I was certain that I didn’t want to go in, crossing my fingers, hoping that magically Mr Right would just show up by himself. 

This is when it dawned on me – I had to have a dating plan! I had to go in with a strategy and not feel like I was just winging it. I called it: my dating system.

Dating after divorce

The first step to my dating system involved looking into my past to help me better understand what I wanted and required in a partner, and also specifically what I didn’t want. This gave me a very clear sense of what my “non negotiables” were. What are non negotiables? Basically your dating standards – these are the REQUIREMENTS in a partner that you’re not willing to give discounts for. 

For example, you’re not willing to say, “ok, it doesn’t matter if he or she isn’t a democrat, let’s see how the other side really thinks…” NO these are things that you know about yourself that later on will lead to a lack of empathy on your end if they don’t have these certain qualities.

These aren’t a list of superficial items such as six pack abs or the number of dollars in a bank account…those things fluctuate and come and go. I’m talking about the characteristics of a person that don’t change like how they treat others, how they value work and family..etc

My “after divorce” dating system

This system also made me do some homework of my own. Through reflecting on past relationships, and in particular my divorce, I also had to objectively pinpoint my role in the problems we had. Ehh, that wasn’t the fun part. 

However, this exercise proved to be fruitful as it showed me what I wanted to change about myself in order for a better and healthier relationship. I call this, “The Crucial Self Awareness” exercise in my dating system.

Through determining what represented a healthy relationship to me i.e. good communication, growth mindset, similar sex drives…etc I gotta tell you, it was so refreshing to finally have a roadmap on what I was actually looking for in a partner!

Now I’m not saying this dating system is a walk in the park. The time that it took me to understand myself and identify the traits that I would not stand for in a relationship took a lot of deep reflection and objectivity with my own self. 

Through identifying what I required in a partner (my non negotiables), I got clear on how these values and characteristics showed up in a person.

For example, if I require someone who is non judgmental, how specifically would that show up in conversations and actions? 

So once I clearly defined my target, I went out on the “scene,” and tested it. 

Here’s what I discovered immediately: just through knowing better what I wanted, it saved me more time because it was that much easier to “weed out” the prospects I knew I didn’t want.

The dating system also allowed me to date more care freely and with less attachment because once I found out that the guy I was dating didn’t fulfill all of my non negotiables, then it was easier to make peace with moving on to the next. It was like my own personalized roadmap to dating! 

Having your own personalized dating plan makes dating easier, much more enjoyable and it saves you time.

I even had a date once ask, “how do you know that you could never be with someone who doesn’t have a passport?” 

And I replied, “because I know myself and traveling is what I enjoy to do, not to mention that it even speaks to the person’s own personal view point of the world. Therefore, I am not going to expect someone to adjust automatically to my goals and passions if it’s not already one of their own.”

Being objective with yourself is so crucial to the dating system as this helps you better define what you want, and in the end makes your target that much easier to hit because you can see it that much clearer! 

So, did it work??

Did my “after divorce” dating system work?

In under 3 months, my dating system landed me the love of my life, my soon to be 

husband. Doing the homework before dating paid off!

How come most divorcees don’t have a positive outlook on dating? Let’s go back to that. 

I pulled 15,000 divorcees in an online Facebook community for divorcees on whether or not they’re hopeful that they’ll find love again and overwhelmingly the majority said no. It’s possible that they have this mindset because they don’t have a dating plan to help guide them. 

Would a dating system help change divorcees’ mindsets around dating? Perhaps. It’s definitely  worth a try and it sure beats the alternative of hoping that the “right one” will just show up magically by themselves, or never show up at all.

It certainly has made the world of difference for me and countless others I’ve shared this with.

Organize your dating plan today and be on your way to finding the person that’s right for you.